Relationships and Communication Between Genders:

A Study on How Maturity Changes Desired Characteristics in Intimate Partners

Student Name

University of North Carolina at Wilmington

Dr. Rick Olsen

COM-200-01

Relationships and Communication Between Genders:

A Study on How Maturity Changes Desired Characteristics in Intimate Partners

Although the subject of relationships and communication between genders is by no means a recent or original study, it continues to generate interest and intrigue in both the general public and scientific world alike. “Scholars and lay persons need no encouragement to point out trivial sex differences or to magnify the distance between the sexes. They do, however, need to be encouraged to understand the meaning of these differences and our fixation with them” (Solomon, 1999, p.2 [RO1] ). But why is such an ageless topic under such continuous discussion and study? Perhaps it is that, aside from it being an interesting topic of sheer importance, communication between genders is relatively simple to observe. One need only look into a household or measure from their own experiences to form a new outlook on the subject.

This study examines if age and experience cause communication skills and ideal characteristics in intimate relationships to change. This study will also show the contrast between youth and age in regards to needs in relationships. The majority of the literature on this topic is geared toward older audiences who have experienced distress or have failed in a previous relationship. Little of the literature addresses or is targeted at a younger audience who are starting out in serious relationships [RO2] . The literature for the following study falls under three main headings: the ideal characteristics in intimate relationships, male and female differences, and communication in serious relationships.

Review of Literature

Ideal Characteristics in Relationships [RO3]

In our study we are attempting to discern what aspects of personality people among a certain age group find most important in their mates. The amount of literature pertaining to relationships is extensive. The intimate relationship has proven to be among the most crucial and challenging forms of communication under study. “Intimate relationships are very important in many people's lives. Hence, it is hardly surprising that relationships are the subject of considerable lay theorizing and cognitive work at both individual and cultural levels” (Fletcher, Simpson, Thomas, & Giles 1999, p. 72).

Much work has been dedicated to discovering what lies beneath a relationship and what attracts us to one another. What ideal characteristics are people looking for in partners? The common ideal characteristics include stereotypical traits such as physical attractiveness, kindness, and loyalty to name a few. “Three major dimensions may define what people use as standards to evaluate ideal partners; the prospective partner's capacity for intimacy and commitment, their attractiveness and general health, and their social status – resources” (p. 74 [RO4] ). The ideal characteristics of younger ages seem to be more oriented with physical attributes such as wealth and appearance. However, as people age they discover that a partner who can communicate successfully is of extreme importance.

In a study composed by Leary (1957) and Sullivan (1953) both found that “individuals are driven to interact with others, in large part, to reduce anxiety and affirm one another's self-concept” (p. 2). In other words, people form relationships to not only establish the identity of their partner but also to strengthen their own identities and find comfort. According to Vaughn and Nowicki's (1999) article on close relationships and complementary interpersonal styles, close relationships are characterized by complementary personality styles. “Complementarity is defined by personality styles that are opposite on the status dimension and similar on the affiliation dimension. Therefore, a friendly-dominant personality style would be a complement to a friendly-submissive style” (Nowicki & Vaughn, 1999, p.2).

Gender Differences

In any relationship, no matter what the type, communication is virtually unavoidable. We communicate with strangers as often as we communicate with loved ones. According to James Honeycutt and John Wiemann (1999) there are three major functions of communication. The first function is to “seek compliance from a target.” The second function is to “establish or maintain a relationship,” and the third is as a means to “maintain self-image” (p.3). Honeycutt and Wiemann also say that there are several functions of communication in everyday life. These include “providing information, reinforcing known information, providing entertainment, providing attention, persuading, signaling intimacy, and concealing information” (p.3).

There are vast differences between men and women in communication. Men are generally more aggressive and loud when they are communicating says Nancy Briton and Judith Hall (1995), whereas women are more likely to be more emotional and passive when they are communicating with others. Honeycutt and Wiemann (1987) add to this by stating that women tend to base their ideas about relationships on daily conversations, where men reported their daily conversations to have little effect on their relationships due to the lower “communication quality” (p.5). Best selling author Dr. John Gray states, “Two people who love each other very much but don’t understand how they are different, may in a short period of time, begin to resent, mistrust, and fight each other” (1993, p.192).

Georgetown linguistics professor Deborah Tannen, an expert in the field of male and female communication differences, identifies the inherent problem with relationships: the balance of involvement, or intimacy and independence. “We need to get close to each other to have a sense of community, to feel we’re not alone in the world. But we need to keep our distance from each other to preserve our independence, so others don’t impose on or engulf us” (Tannen, 1986, p. 31). She goes on to say, although everyone has both the need for independence as well as the need for intimacy, “women often have a relatively greater need for involvement, and men a relatively greater need for independence” (p. 134).

Involvement is created by interaction, such as intimate conversation, while independence is maintained by focusing primarily on the information provided in conversation. “Men prefer just the facts; women tell the whole story” (James, 1996, p. 3). This creates the first inherent problem in a relationship. Traditionally, women look to their partner as their best friend, a role that is filled by a great listener with whom they can share the intimate details of their life. However, “men expect to do things together and don’t feel anything is missing if they don’t have heart-to-heart talks all the time” (p. 143). Heesacker et. al (1999) calls this “Demand/Withdraw” which is “where women are more likely to express negative affect and complaints during a discussion, whereas men are more likely to withdraw or avoid the discussion” (p.297). In addition, when discussing the actual relationship, men feel that if you need to keep talking about the relationship, it must not be working, while women believe that a relationship is only a success so long as you are able to talk about it (Tannen, 1986, p. 143). Unfortunately, successful relationships do not occur without a certain amount of effort on the part of both partners.

Honeycutt and Wieman state that “communication reinforces negative emotions in unhappy marriages and accents positive affects in happy marriages. Unhappy couples use fewer positive behaviors and more negative behaviors than do happy couples” (p.4). They go on to say that negative communication behaviors such as “whining, withdrawal, contempt, and lack of understanding” are apparent in the communication between unhappy couple’s (p.2).

Most relationships require some form of relationship maintenance. E. M. Griffin (1997) implies that establishing a relationship is only half as easy as maintaining the bond. Griffin goes on to say that as that bond grows, many outside forces such as conflict, jealousy, distrust and boredom, can cause much strain to the relationship. Dainton, Haas, and Stafford identify five maintenance strategies to aid in relationship satisfaction. First, positivity, or having enjoyable conversations and interactions is important. Second, openness about the relationship and one’s self is needed in order to feel honest with the other person. Third is assurances about the future of the relationship and one’s intentions so as to build confidence in the relationship and the other person. Fourth, is networks, or having outside support from others. Last, is sharing tasks or helping one’s partner (2000, p.3). It is greatly stressed that in any relationship, “periodic maintenance is necessary for friends, lovers, and relatives to make it for the long haul” (Griffin, 1997, p.163).

All the literature is targeted toward an older audience – those that have experienced troubled relationships. Most of the literature takes the approach of ‘now that you see what doesn’t work, here’s what you do in the future’. Little of the literature is targeted at or addresses a younger audience who is starting out in serious relationships. This study will show how the younger crowds view relationships and the important characteristics of their future mate, contrasting with those characteristics that a mature crowd finds important in their mates. By identifying the relative important factors of a relationship by the age groups, there will be reason to target the unreasonable expectations of an undereducated population of couples.

Purpose of Study[RO5]

This study proposes to answer the question: Do age and experience cause an individual’s communication skills and ideal characteristics for their partner to change? As life and relationship experience increases, a person places higher importance on characteristics that aid in relationship success, namely, communication skills. There needs to be more literature targeted at younger people to teach them that first, men and women are inherently different, second, you must work at relationships and most importantly, relationships are not easy. By preparing a younger population for the realistic difficulties of a relationship, they will enter relationships as knowledgeable participants, therefore increasing the potential for a successful relationship and possibly a decreasing divorce rate.

Method

For this study the researchers utilized a survey method. Hocking and Stacks (1999) relate that a survey helps researchers “present a realistic representation of a topic by describing people’s attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, or intentions” (p. 234). In this study, researchers designed the survey in order to learn the beliefs people have about their partners in intimate relationships and how those beliefs change as age increases[RO6] .

Participants

One hundred participants, 25 from each of the four age group categories (15-25, 26-35, 36-45, 46+) were selected as part of this study [RO7] .

Materials/Apparatus

The researchers constructed a survey (see Appendix A), which consisted of demographic questions (Step 1) that required participants to provide information about their age, gender, relationship status, marital status, and divorce history. Step 2 required participants to list the characteristics they believed necessary in a mate in a period of 2 minutes. Step 3 asked participants to evaluate those characteristics to find the ten most important characteristics of those they listed. Step 4 required participants to rate the importance of a specified characteristic in a mate on a Likert-Type Scale. These characteristics ranged from intelligence to sexual compatibility/satisfaction, from sense of humor to family oriented. Participants were required to respond to each item on a five point scale, ranging from one (very important) to five (not important).

Data Analysis

Following the completion of the 100 surveys, results were tallied and entered into the results tables (see Appendix B [RO8] ). The results from Step 2: Brainstorming, were placed into Table 1 by listing all given characteristics. The frequencies were then tallied by age group for each given characteristic. For example, if 12 out of the 25 participants in the age group 15-25 said “good-looking”, “attractive”, “handsome”, or “beautiful”, the characteristic would be categorized as “attractive” and the frequency 49 (12/25 equals .49, or, expressed as a percentage, 49) would be placed in the column “Given 15-25”. The frequencies for the characteristics circled as one of the ten most important were calculated separately, but in the same manner. For example, if 3 of the 25 people in the age group 15-25 chose “attractive” as one of the ten most important characteristics, the frequency would be 12 (3/25 equals .12, or, expressed as a percentage, 12). That frequency would be placed in the “Top Ten 15-25” column. The same process would apply when evaluating the frequencies of the named and selected characteristics from Divorced or Not Divorced participants.

In Step 4: Importance Rating, the thirty given characteristics were rated by participants on the scale from one to five, one being very important and five being unimportant. The surveys were evaluated again by the age group of the participants and the numeric values of their answers. The values of all 25 participants of an age group for each characteristic were averaged and placed in the corresponding column. For example, for the characteristic “understanding”, 14 participants answered 5, very important, 7 gave a value of 4, 2 gave a value of 3, and 2 gave a value of 2. Averaged together, the value of 4.32 would be entered in the corresponding box ((14*5+7*4+2*3+2*2)/25) = 4.32). The values for the Divorced and Not Divorced categories were similarly calculated.

Procedure

The participants were randomly selected from a pool of volunteers. Volunteers were found at the following areas: college campuses, medical offices, grocery stores, and movie theatre [RO9] . Participants were rewarded for their time with two free movie passes to a local theatre. They were told nothing concerning the purpose or intention of the study, only that they would be fully debriefed following the completion of the survey and that all information provided would be kept confidential and used for research purposes only. Researchers administered the surveys in an isolated setting at the location where the participants were found, and were provided with stopwatches in order to time the sections of the survey. Participants were given a packet containing the stapled survey and instructed specifically not to read ahead to any section before being instructed or the results would be invalid and not used by the researchers for the study. The researcher then read the directions for each section to the participant, allowing them the specified time to complete each section.

Upon the completion of all sections, the researcher then collected the surveys, placing them in a marked and sealed envelope. The proctor then explained to the participants that the study was designed to examine the ideal characteristics desired by individuals of certain age groups. The participants were thanked for their cooperation, and asked not to discuss the survey with others until the surveys were all completed, a time period of one week. They were provided with an email address that they could email and request a copy of the completed study to be emailed to them for their review [RO10] .

Conclusion [RO11]

Although research on relationships is a broad subject, the more studies completed in this area provide insight to relationships as a whole. At the present time, research is scarce on the effect of age or maturity and desired characteristics in relationships; however, this possible correlation has the potential to provide insight to an abundance of information on a variety of levels. In the future as this information, as well as other information about relationships, becomes available, a better-informed public will emerge, and the gap between genders caused by communication differences will begin to close.

References

Briton, N. & Hall, J. (1995, January). Beliefs about female and male nonverbal

communication. Sex Roles, 32 (1-2) 79-90.

Dainton, M., Haas, S. & Stafford, L. (2000, September). Measuring routine and strategic

relational maintenance: Scale revision, sex verses gender roles, and the prediction of relational characteristics. Communication Monographs, [22 pages]. Retrieved October 24, 2000 from ProQuest (Research Library Periodicals) on the World Wide Web: <_________>

Fletcher, G. J. O., Simpson, J. A., Thomas, G., & Giles, L. (1999). Ideals of intimate

relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76, 72-89.

Gray, J. (1993). Men, women and relationships. New York: HarperCollins.

Griffin, E. (1997). A first look at communication theory (3^rd ed.). New York: McGraw-Hill.

Heesacker, M., Vogel, D. L. & Wester, S. R. (1999). Dating relationships and the

demand/withdraw pattern of communication. Sex Roles, 41, 297-305.

Hocking, J. E. & Stacks, D. W. (1999). Communication research (2^nd ed.). New York: Longman.

Honeycutt, J. & Wiemann, J. (1987). Analysis of functions of talk and reports of imagined

interaction during engagement and marriage. Human Communication Research, [23 pages]. Retrieved October 10, 2000 from EbscoHost <_______________>

James, C. (1996, March/April). Can we talk? Today’s Christian Woman, [5 pages]. Retrieved

October 23, 2000 from EbscoHost <_______________>

Leary T. (1957). Interpersonal Diagnosis of Personality. New York: Ronald.

Nowicki Jr, S. & E. Vaughn, E. (1999, August). Close relationships and complementary

interpersonal styles among men and women. The Journal of Social Psychology, [5 pages]. Retrieved October 23, 2000 from Proquest (Research Library Periodicals) on the World Wide Web: <http://proquest.umi.com/pqdweb>

Solomon, D. (1999, November). Sex differences and similarities in communication: Critical

Essays and empirical investigation of sex and gender in interaction. Journal of Marriage and the Family, [3 pages]. Retrieved October 23, 2000 from ProQuest (Research Library Periodicals) on the World Wide Web: <_____________>

Sullivan, H. S. (1953). The interpersonal theory of psychiatry. New York: Norton.

Tannen, D. (1986). That’s not what I meant! How conversational style makes or breaks

relationships. New York: Ballantine Books.

Appendix A

Survey

Please follow directions precisely as written. Do each step before reading the next – Do NOT read the next step before completing the one before. Ask the test director if you have any questions.

Step 1: Answer the following questions. The answers to these questions are for statistical purposes only. Reminder: Do NOT read ahead.

What is your age?

15 – 25 26 – 35 36 – 45 46 +

Please circle:

Male Female

Are you currently in a relationship? Please circle: Yes No

Are you married? Please circle: Yes No

Have you ever divorced? Please circle: Yes No

Step 2: Write in the following blanks the characteristics that you believe to be necessary in your ideal mate. An example has been provided for you. You do not need to fill in every blank. You will have exactly 2 minutes.

Honesty

Step 3: From your list, choose the top ten (10) characteristics that you feel are most important – choose only ten. Circle these characteristics. Your time in this section is unlimited.

Step 4: In the following section, please rate the given characteristics on a scale of very important (1) to unimportant (5). See the test instructor if you have any questions. Your time in this section is unlimited.

1. Understanding