RELATE Premarital Questionnaire Part 1 Explanation of Results

Results are compared to a sample of over 5,000 subjects. The RELATE includes many different independent measures that research has found to reliably predict marital outcome (success or failure). Liabilities to marital outcome are negative factors you and your relationship have that the average person and relationship does not have. Assets to marital outcome are positive factors that the average person and relationship does not have. Many times you have scored neutral which means that you are neither better or worse off than the average person or relationship on that factor with regard to marital outcome. No liability or asset alone will predict marital success or failure. Rather, all assets and liabilities are weighed so we can see whether assets outweigh liabilities or vice versa. Only after all three parts are taken can we do this.

Items 1 - 23: Research consistently shows a strong relationship between healthy family of origin functioning and an individual's later marital satisfaction and outcome.

    Family Process (items 1-4), Parent’s marriage (items 5-7), and Parent's Conflict Management Style (item 19): Social Learning theory says one of the main ways we learn how to act is by imitating others. We use others as a model for our behavior. Whether we like it or not, our family of origin including the relationship between our mother and father is the most powerful model for relationships that we have. It is often difficult to avoid the types of behaviors we observed growing up. For example, children of divorce are more likely to get divorced in their own marriages.

    Father-child and Mother-child Relationships (items 8-13):  Attachment theory tells us that a secure attachment with our parents forms the foundation for healthy social relationships of all kinds.

    Current Impact of Family (items 14-16): Counseling should be sought to determine to what extent this is a liability, but if one is still impacted strongly by childhood events they may not be able to focus on current relationships in a healthy way.

   Independence from Family (items 17-18): We should be engaged with family but not dependent.

   Impact of Abuse (items 20-22) and Parent's Mental Health (item 23) : Counseling should be sought to determine to what extent this is a liability and to discuss whether and how your experiences affected your self-esteem, well-being, ability to trust others, and attitudes toward marriage and sex.

Items 24-37: Research consistently shows many personal and relationship characteristics that predict marital outcome and satisfaction.

Personal Characteristics (items 24-29): Younger people usually lack emotional maturity needed to make marriage successful. Living away from your family of origin and finishing school are recommended before marriage. Dating abundantly before marriage helps one compare partners on a variety of traits.

Family and Friend Approval (items 30-35): Friends and family are an important source of information about the suitability of your partner. They can help you see incompatibilities between the partner you know and the person they see. 88% of couples who marry over objections of both sets of parents are unhappy 3 yrs later. 73% of couples who marry over objections of 1 set of parents are unhappy 3 yrs later. If parents disapprove it makes it unlikely they will support you later when you may need their assistance. In addition, research has shown people who marry with no friends or family present are much more likely to divorce than people who marry in the company of loved ones.

Internal and External Pressure (items 36-37): The person you marry is one of if not the most important decision you make in your life. Don't let others make the decision for you. Don't get married just to get married.