RELATE Premarital Questionnaire Part 2 Explanation of Results

Results are compared to a sample of over 5,000 subjects. The RELATE includes many different independent measures that research has found to reliably predict marital outcome (success or failure). Liabilities to marital outcome are negative factors you and your relationship have that the average person and relationship does not have. Assets to marital outcome are positive factors that the average person and relationship does not have. Many times you have scored neutral which means that you are neither better or worse off than the average person or relationship on that factor with regard to marital outcome. No liability or asset alone will predict marital success or failure. Rather, all assets and liabilities are weighed so we can see whether assets outweigh liabilities or vice versa. Only after all three parts are taken can we do this.

Items 1-34: Many personality traits have been found to predict marital satisfaction and outcome. All of us have these traits but we differ in the amount that we have. Moderate degrees are normal. Higher than normal or lower than normal levels of some traits can affect marriage.

    Extroversion (items 1-4), Flexibility (items 9-12), Assertiveness (items 25-28), and Self-esteem (items 29-32).  Extroversion and assertiveness are important as open and honest communication is key to good marriage. You must speak your view, and not expect mind reading. Flexibility is important in any long term relationship. Compromise and the ability to adjust to life as it comes keeps a household stable. Self esteem is correlated with healthy sex life and relationship satisfaction. People with high self-esteem are optimistic, confident and and work to improve the situation when needed.

    Anxiety (items 5-8), Anger / Hostility (items 13-15), Depression (items 16-18), Impulsivity (items 19-21), and Vulnerability to Stress (items 22-24). Chronically anxious worrywarts are hard to live with, always tense and unrelaxed. Anger/Hostility often goes with anxiety and both are related to neuroticism. Nobody likes to be chewed out all the time over small things. Bad tempered people make partners feel like they have to walk on eggshells. A depressed person becomes the burden of the house. They are always down and never satisfied. Building up their self-esteem becomes a drain on the other partner. Impulsively spontaneous people can be fun, but in the long term some amount of routine is necessary. Everything one does affects the partner. Spending money one of the worst ways impulsivity can affect a marriage. A person with high vulnerability to stress cracks up over situations which expires a partner's trust and patience.

    Personal and Partner Health (items 33-34): It's important to be honest about physical and mental health issues. Both partners must be educated about and prepared to deal with problems associated with physical and mental health. Such problems can cause severe stress on any relationship.

Items 35-51: Dysfunctional beliefs about marriage are obstacles discouraging couples from trying to understand each other.

    Marriage will bring magical change. (items 35-36): It takes work and vigilance by both parties to make marriage work. Successful marriage does not happen magically. One should not go into marriage expecting or hoping either yourself or other person will be different afterwards.

    Disagreement is destructive. (items 37-39): Perfect harmony is a myth. Couples who do not disagree or fight: a) have not known each other long enough or do not spend much time together, b) are in denial, c) are lying, d) do not discuss anything meaningful, e) one or both are submissive, f) one or both are scared of conflict, g) have given up on resolving differences, silently frustrated and resentful. Disagreement is normal, even healthy. Relationships grow by working through their disagreements.

    Mind reading is expected. (items 40-42): Expecting someone to know what you expect or desire leads to disappointment. If you mindread, you run risk of misunderstanding the other person. Ask them what they want, do not assume.

    Partners can’t change. (items 43-45): Believing that people can’t change leads couples to give up on one another instead of working things out. It’s hard to change, requiring motivation and diligence, but it is possible.

    Sexual perfection is possible. (items 46-48): Sex is not perfect every time. Ups and downs are natural.

    Sexes are completely different. (items 49-51): We are more alike than different. Believing otherwise is taking the easy way out. This way we can blame problems on something that can’t change.