Ethnography:

 

Communication Between a Child of Divorce And The Custodial Verses Non-custodial Parents.

 

Student Names in Alphabetical Order

 

Communication Studies 200-001

 

Rick Olsen, Ph. D.

 

September 27, 2002

 

 

 

 

 

Abstract[RO1] 

 

Communicative patterns between a child and his/her custodial and non-custodial parents vary before, during, and after divorce, and are dependent upon the existing situations and circumstances of the divorce.  Many factors affect opinions and emotions regarding the divorce including the introduction of step-parents into the equation, siblings, and past family history.

 

Ethnography: Communication Between a Child of Divorce

And Their Custodial Verses Non-custodial Parents

In today's fast paced society, many families forget the importance of communication, and why communicating can save a friendship.  Many counselors repeat to their patients that communicating to their spouse about what they feel is happening in their marriage, can save a marriage. Counselors also mention that during the separation, children must be informed about the separation and why their mom and dad are separating. In our interview with Cindy Trikowski [RO2] we learn what happens to a child during a divorce and how communication between the parents and the child is so important.

Findings[RO3] 

Before Divorce

                After interviewing Cindy Trikowski, our group found that communication patterns do have an effect on a child, before, during, and after divorce.  Before Cindy’s parents divorced, they communicated only when they had to.  Cindy said, “My parents were not like a married couple, they were like roommates[RO4] .”  This had its effects on Cindy and her brother, Jared.  Cindy noticed the change in her family life and even suggested to her parents that they get a divorce, because she thought things would be better that way.  Lack of communication between parents is obvious to their children and can contribute to children feeling like they are the reason their parents are staying together (DeBord, 1997[RO5] ).  Cindy felt that her parents were staying together to keep their family unit in function for her and her brother.  This was impart true, but her parents were also financially unable to get a divorce.  This type of situation may cause a child to feel like the divorce is his or her fault due to the expenses of rearing children.  Communication between Cindy and her parents remained open and positive.  Cindy said this was because her parents still lived together and nothing was extremely difficult or hard to handle yet, it was still a “single family unit.”  The divorce was discussed with Cindy and her brother before it actually took place, however, Cindy does not remember an exact conversation about the separation.  Her parents were already living in separate parts of the house and taking separate vacations, so Cindy felt that the end of their marriage was near. 

During Divorce

                During the divorce, Cindy’s parents communicated via Cindy and her brother.  Her mom would send an envelope with Cindy to give to her dad and vice versa as means of communication.  This type of communication definitely puts the child in the middle and may make them feel uncomfortable.  Communication patterns between Cindy and her father began to change after the physical separation.  Cindy said, “Our lines of communication were still good, but I think they were based on my guilt about m y dad being alone[RO6] .”  Cindy’s father had moved out of the house and was her non-custodial parent, whereas her mother was her custodial parent and still had everyday contact with Cindy, producing good lines of communication.  Cindy made a conscious effort to speak and visit her dad frequently during this period.

After Divorce

After the divorce, the communication patterns between child and parent can play into many deciding factors.  Some of these may be where the child decides to reside, who they blame for the divorce, and which parent they are closer to (Debord, 1997).  Often times the child blames one parent for the divorce.  Usually this leads to better communication with one parent because the child does not want to speak with the parent they blame.  In Cindy’s case she blamed her dad for the divorce because he was unfaithful to her mom.  This resulted in more open lines of communication between Cindy and her mother.  Generally, a child chooses to live with the parent who they feel more comfortable talking to, creating a reciprocal pattern[RO7] .  Cindy chose to live with her mom, while her brother lives with her dad because Cindy and her brother made an agreement not to leave one parent alone.  Cindy’s communication with her custodial parent, her mother, is more open and loving.   Her mom knows about basically everything because she is involved in Cindy’s daily life.  Her communication with her dad, her non-custodial parent, is more out of obligation.  She said her dad only knows the basics about her life.  She gave us the example, “If I called my mom she would ask, how the test I had in Com 200 went today?  If I called my dad he would ask what classes I am taking this semester, and if I have had any tests yet?”  Cindy also pointed out that her brother has a whole different view of things than she does, because their living arrangements.  The cycle continues then, because lack of communication between a non-custodial parent and a child can lead the child to become even closer to the custodial parent.  Darling, Munsch, and Woodward (1995) suggest that often times communication patterns are better between child and custodial parent.

We also found that step-parents play a role in the communication patterns between the biological parent and child.  For example, Cindy really likes her step-father.  He makes every effort to encourage a positive relationship between her mother and her.  Cindy said, “If I upset my mom, then Billy (her step-father) will call and tell me that I need to straighten things out with my mom”.  Her step father only encourages Cindy and her mother to become closer.  On the other side of the spectrum is her step-mother, Debbie.  Cindy doesn’t like her step-mother; party because it is the woman that her father was unfaithful with.  Cindy feels she cannot talk to her dad when her step-mom is around because she hinders the conversations.  Cindy said, “The difference is Billy gives my mom and I space, Debbie always has to be a part of the conversation and put her two cents in.”

Observations

Interviewer

When Kelly and I, Jonathan, first sat down for the interview with Cindy Trikowski, it was in a way, awkward.  We all have a knowledge of each person, but our relationships lacked on the personal level.  I knew that this might be a difficult interview, partly because it is about an issue that many people have a hard time discussing; the issue being the reactions of a divorce.  Many counselors feel this is a very sensitive subject and suggest taking it very lightly, and with an open mind.  With this in mind I decided that when asking the questions, I withhold any concerns, feelings, or thoughts about divorce to myself, and ask the questions in a way that would indicate compassion and interest towards Cindy’s family situation.  The icebreaker questions allowed Cindy to become more comfortable with Kelly and I.  Cindy’s jokes and comments on her day permitted her to relax and take the interview with a clear mind.  It was amazing to me how someone could be so open to conversation about her family problems to two people she hardly knew.  To me it is very helpful how Cindy performed through out the interview.

We had the questions formulated before hand, but because of the sensitivity of the subject I felt it would be in Cindy’s best interest that we ask the questions in a way that would be comfortable and more personal.  I did this with a change of tone, and asking the question in a way that was non-judgmental, caring and flowing with the topic at hand.

It was very exciting and insightful to interview Cindy about her family situation, how she communicates with her mother and father, and the different relationships she has with both families.  Perhaps, next time the roles can be reversed, and we can get a feel for what it is like to be on all sides of the equation[RO8] .

Interviewee

                I, Cindy Trikowski, can hardly imagine disclosing personal, sensitive, complex feelings, before two complete strangers, after only minutes of “chatting.”  The exchange of an ice breaker and a few pieces of demographic information hardly sets a comfortable mood for someone who is preparing to give detailed insight regarding a difficult experience.

                Kelly, Jonathan, and I knew each other prior to the assignment of Probe One.  We have shared a few classes together, and have met for breakfast on numerous occasions.  Being classmates, and sharing a few mornings at Wagoner Hall, though, did not allow many opportunities to discuss very intimate moments of our lives.  The interpersonal relationships between Jonathan and I, and Kelly and I, had both been lingering in the “experimental stage,” a stage of interpersonal interaction described by Knapp and Vangelisti (2000) as a stage in which partners attempt to reduce uncertainty as they learn more about one another.  After having completed such an in-depth interview, it is difficult and awkward to label our relationships.  My relationship with each member of my group has further developed, but has advanced in an unusual pattern.  In one respect, the relationships still remain experimental, but with such a great deal of self disclosure (on my part,) they have also reached the “Intensifying Stage,” where two people become closer friends (Knapp & Vangelisti, 2000).  After a conversation containing so much depth, it would normally be expected that I feel closer to Kelly and/or Jonathan.  Instead, I feel exposed and vulnerable because the disclosure was not reciprocated. 

                During the interview, uncomfortable issues were addressed as gently as possible.  Some answers to certain questions encouraged divulgence of information regarding unfaithfulness in the marriage, which was somewhat embarrassing.  Other questions inquired of my opinion and reactions to events involving my family, which was somewhat sensitive and emotional.  I did not find myself uncomfortable with either Kelly or Jonathan, but did, however, find myself neglecting to make eye contact while answering, and speaking rapidly to disguise painful emotion in my voice.

                For future in-depth interviews performed during research on the communicative patterns between children of divorce and their custodial vs. non-custodial, I would recommend that interviewer(s) offer more reciprocal disclosure, and that participant(s) spend more time on introductory and transition questions/information, before moving on to more threatening key questions[RO9] .

Conclusion

During and after the interview we found out how important communication is during a divorce, for the child.  A child's personality and attributes can be effected when they are to determine where they are suppose to live and deal with the separation of their parents. In Cindy's case, her step parents had a lot to do with how she communicated with her parents.  Cindy's family situation helped our group relate to the communication with the child and their parents.

References[RO10] 

 

Darling, N., Munsch, J., & Woodward, J.  (1995).  Children’s perceptions of their relationships with coresiding and non-coresiding fathers.  Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 23, 39-54. 

DeBord, K.  (1997).  Focus on the Kids:  The effects of divorced on children. Web site:  http://www.nncc.org/

child.Dev/effectsdivorce.html. Retrieved September 17, 2002 from the National Network for Child Care

Heubusch, K.  (1998).  Divorced from reality.  American Demographics.  39(2). Retrieved September 16, 2002 from InfoTrac OneFile database.

Hughes, R. (1996).  Interventions with Children of Divorce.  Retrieved September 17, 2002 from Department of Family Relations and Human Development Web site:  http://www.hec.ohio-state.edu/

famlife/divorce/child.htm.

Knapp, M. & Vangelisti, A.  (2000).  Interpersonal Communication & Human  (4^th ed.). Massachusetts: A Pearson Education Company.

Lytle, V.  (1994).  Kids and divorce.  NEA Today.  11(1).  Retrieved September 16, 2002 from InfoTrac OneFile database.

McGhee, C. (2001).  Communication Techniques.  Retrieved September 17, 2002 from Redefining Familes Web site:  http://www.divorceandchildren.com/communication.htm

Reinard, J. C.  (2001).  Introduction to Communication Research (3^rd ed.)  Boston: McGraw-Hill Higher Education.

Siatis, P. C.  (1997).  Divorce has lasting effects on children, study says.  Trial.  75(2).  Retrieved September 16, 2002, from InfoTrac OneFile database.

Toufexis, A.  (1989).  The lasting wounds of divorce.  Time.  61(1).  Retrieved September 16, 2002 from InfoTrac OneFile database.

In Depth Interview

 

Opening

 

1. What is your name/age?

 

2. What is the funniest thing that happened to you today?

 

3. Where are you from?

 

4. Why did you choose UNC-Wilmington?

 

Introductory

 

5. Do you have any siblings?

 

Transition

 

6. How old were you when your parents divorced?

 

7. Were you informed of your parents divorce prior to separation?  If not, when, how, and by who were you informed of the divorce?

 

8. Why do you think your parents chose to divorce?

 

9.     Were you given the option of choosing where you would reside after the divorce?  If so, what was your decision based upon?

 

10. Do you feel that one parent was more to blame for the divorce?  If so, do you feel that your opinion has affected your communication with that parent?

 

Key

 

11. Describe the communication between your divorced parents, during and after the divorce.

 

12. Describe your communication with your residential parent and non-residential parent.  What would a typical evening dinner with either parent consist of?

 

13. Do you feel that a step-parent, if applicable, has, or does, affect your communication with either of your biological parents?

 

Ending

 

14. Is there anything else that you would like to add[RO11] ?