CODEPENDENCE -- Recovery Options Network http://recoveryoptionsnetwork.org/codependence.html WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCE? If you have codependent traits you are more likely to feel confusion, low self-esteem, fear, anger and shame. Or, paradoxically you may feel numb, unable to identify or recognize your emotions, which may be expressed in a variety of ways, such as headache, chronic pain syndromes or compulsive behaviors. If you have the syndrome described as codependence, chances are you have problems with several of the following "core issues" or symptoms which include the following: Preoccupation with the well-being of the alcoholic or drug addict The urgent need to help, control or fix the alcoholic or addict The feeling of significant emotional discomfort, such as anxiety, anger or depression and feelings of helplessness, guilt and shame Neglecting one's own needs Unable to recognize own and other people's boundaries Difficulty distinguishing what is one's own responsibility and what is not Lacking certain skills, such as assertiveness, identifying and expressing emotions and conflict resolution Trouble maintaining intimate relationships The need to control people and/or situations Difficulty trusting others Over-dependence in relationships, coupled with a fear of abandonment All-or-nothing or black-or-white thinking High tolerance for inappropriate behavior from others Taking excessive responsibility for others Problems in resolving conflict WHAT IS ENABLING? The natural tendency of loved ones is to fix, rescue or comfort the suffering addict, but this actually makes the addict worse. "Enabling" is a term to describe activities that remove barriers to the addict's continued substance use. Examples of enabling include: cleaning up after the alcoholic makes a mess, calling the supervisor for your partner and making excuses when she's too hung over to go to work, making threats about unacceptable behaviors and then not following through, buying alcohol so that at least they will stay home to drink it, pouring it out, diluting it with water, pretending you don't notice, and excusing the inexcusable. Remember, there is only one thing that will increase the motivation of the addict enough to take meaningful action. That one thing is pain! The addict needs to experience enough discomfort from the consequences of their use of their drug of choice. Only when the discomfort outweighs the reward, will the addict consider changing. All Content © 2002,2003 Recovery Options Network TOUGH LOVE IS ... http://www.richbits.com.relate/Tough_love.html Tough Love... Tough love is saying no when the yes would be much easier, but would make the child or other person more of a dependant. Tough Love is non-manipulative and unconditional Tough Love offers empathy, but not sympathy Tough Love is non-supportive of victim stories Tough Love offers support and courage, but not help Tough love encourages strength not weakness Tough love doesn't worry that you might make a mistake In fact, tough love encourages free choice and the learning that comes from making mistakes. Tough love opts for your growth in consciousness Tough love says, "If you eat crackers in bed; sleep you must sleep with the crumbs." Tough love knows that you must learn how to lose before you can win. Tough love knows that security is in letting go, not in hanging on. Tough Love is the courage to say "No" when "Yes" would spoil the child Tough love knows that help freely given can create dependency Tough Love demands responsible behavior Tough Love doesn't do for them what they can do for themselves Tough Love expects cooperation and courteous behavior Tough Love respects their rights and command the respect of others For several years of my life played the role of a Guru. It seems I loved having people need me; otherwise, why would I have set so many people up to need me? My family needed me. I owned a business with over 100 employees; they all needed me. I was president of the board of my church three times; the board of directors and the members all needed me. I was even a minister's Guru for 12 years. His sermons on Sunday always seemed to be on what we had talked about on Saturdays. I was a management consultant advising small business men and women on how to run their business. It was great to be needed by all those people. And then one day, I woke up to the fact that my helping was keeping them stuck. They would not be allowed to grow if I solved all their problems for them. They wouldn't learn from their mistakes if I gave them the answers they needed to be finding on their own. They would never become self sufficient unless I stopped feeding them fish and, instead, showed them how to become fishermen. When we are not allowed to suffer the consequences of our unwise choices, we have no opportunity to grow. Giving up my Guru role in life was one of the hardest things I've ever done. During that time of my life, I still had a multitude of people coming to me for advice. To help me through this transition, when asked for advice, I'd ask myself, "What would God do for this person?" The answer in each case was, "Nothing." You see, God, by putting a part of Himself in each of us, gave you and I the power to choose who we would be, and then He left us on our own to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes. Unconditional love is the space we create for each other to be who we are, and that's God's love. I call it tough love.